The One Where I Hold Myself Accountable

Do you ever feel like you sabotage yourself for no apparent reason, or for a reason you don’t want to admit.  Do you ever consciously mentally go over exactly what you need to do, then do the complete opposite.  Do you ever just find yourself stuck and can’t bother with the effort to get out?  I feel like that has been my life for the past few years.  If you know me, or have been reading here for a while, you are probably already aware that, starting about three years back, I had three miscarriages in the space of a year and a half.  (If you haven’t been reading that long, feel free to scroll through the archives – I ain’t up to linking right now.)  And, understandably, they kind of messed with me.

I was never a tiny girl, but when stressed I go to comfort food.  Combine that with getting out of my exercise routine while recuperating, and I gained some significant weight.  And I just can’t seem to get rid of it, or get rid of my general apathy.  Theoretically, I’ve been trying, but not nearly as hard as I should be, and it hasn’t taken much to get me off track.

After the third miscarriage, which was – wow – almost two years ago, we went to a specialist clinic in Omaha.  We developed a plan.  The plan is ready whenever we want to try again.  But first, I need to get my health in order.  That means eating better.  It means exercising.  It means not spending my Saturdays either plopped on the recliner watching DVDs or slumped in front of the computer playing sudoku.  It means actually cooking instead of getting home, looking around, and just doing what’s easiest – be it making a frozen pizza, microwave popcorn, or other convenience foods.  It also means getting my head together and getting things done around the house.  I’ve been getting little things done here or there, but not as much as I should.

I’ve been going to the clinic regularly, as they are monitoring my health, as well as visiting a dietitian.  And every time, we talk about thing I know, but I just can’t implement.  And I need to, I really do.  Because I’m not getting any younger, and if we’re going to try again, we need to get moving.  But if we try again, I want to be in optimum health; that won’t necessarily mean a miscarriage won’t happen, but it would certainly help the odds a bit.  So why can’t I do it?

My theory?  I’m just not accountable enough.  I can talk a good game, and I feel dutifully ashamed when I show up at the doctor or the dietitian with little or no weight loss (although I have had overall weight loss, just not much).  But when I get home, it’s pretty much just me.  Indie Boy is working nights now, so I only get evenings with him three nights a week.  Those other nights?  In the basement, doing pretty much nothing.  And the nights we are together?  Well, sometimes we get out (we did a nice walk around the neighborhood a couple of weeks ago, and spent four hours traipsing around the zoo last Monday), but we also eat out and sit in the basement watching DVDs.  He loves me for who I am, which is awesome.  But because of that, well, he’s not exactly saying anything when I have a soda or decide I’d rather go out to eat than cook whatever I had originally planned.  (Although that’s probably good, because being the contrarian I am, I would probably just get irritated and act even worse.)

So here’s the thing.  I’m making it public.  I’m making it accountable.  I’m doing what I need to do.

About a month ago, after my last dietitian appointment, I bought this dry erase calendar:

The theory was, I’d write tasks on it every day, and would have to do those tasks.  This would include exercise, as well as just other things around the house that need to get done.  Something to start getting my mind organized and my body doing what it needs to.  Needless to say, other than filling in the dates, I haven’t been using it.  That has to change.

So my proposal is this:  every Sunday, starting tomorrow, I’m going to get up, go downstairs, and my first task will be determining my tasks for the week and filling in the calendar.  My second task will be developing a meal plan for the whole week.  Then I’m posting it here, for all to see.  And on Saturdays, I’m going to report my results for the week.  No sugar coating, no white lies.  If I failed to do something, I’m going to own that failure, for all to see.  And if the thought of failing in public, on the web, captured in posterity forever (or until the implosion of the world wide webiverse) doesn’t motivate me?  Well, shit, I’m out of ideas.


1 Comment

  1. […] and randomness So some of you out there may be wondering how everything is going with my new project.  Not too bad, so far.  On Sunday, I did set myself tasks for the whole week, I made a meal plan […]

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