Listening to the jukebox of my subconsious


There’s something you should know about me – I have a jukebox in my head constantly rotating tracks whether I’m actually listening to music or not. Sometimes the jukebox flows through song after song, other times it gets stuck on a particular tune and won’t let go. And right now I am wondering what it means when the jukebox in my head has had the Dead Milkmen’s “I Hate Myself” on repeat play. (Sample lyrics: “I hate myself/hate myself/And you/I hate you/Roses are red and violets are blue/I hate me and I hate you/I hate my life and I hate yours…”) Granted, the actual song is funny to listen to, but those aren’t necessarily sentiments you want swirling around in your head for long periods of time. Which has gotten me wondering:

Is this a manifestation of my own negative self-image playing itself out over and over in an attempt to wear down the happy facade I put on most of the time (which, considering that I am currently in a pre-menstrual, bloated, irritable mood accompanied by an intense craving to eat my weight in Choxie while staring at the women’s magazines in the checkout line telling me how horrible I am and how I need to change everything about me to possibly be happy because only by achieving society’s arbitrary and narrow view of beauty can I hope to be a complete person, is entirely possible)? Or, is it simply that my brain picked out a random piece of music I haven’t listened to in over a year just because that’s just how the music trolls in my brain work (which, considering that I have a tendency to pull random songs out of my head based on a single word – Indie Boy saying “So” one afternoon got me started on a whole “Sound of Music” medly, and I was humming “Que Sera Sera” for no discernable reason the other morning – is also entirely possible). And should I be worried that my brain has focused in on this song on a day where I picked up some photos and spent twenty minutes marvelling at how abhorrant I look in most of them? Or happy that at least I picked a song from a generally silly, tongue-in-cheek band who has always made me happy over the years (even if I did drive three hours to see them in concert – and was even on the guest list due to an aquaintance who shopped at the record store I worked out – only to find out that they weren’t playing because the bass player had a severe asthma attack)?

Screw it, I’m going to see Jolie Holland tonight. It will be a great show, I’ll feel better, I’ve got a date with the IB tomorrow, so all will be well. Yes, that is my decision. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.


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